My Dearest Clare
by ObessedTWFan
Summary: A love letter to Clare as Eli sits on the plane...Post Frostival.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Who else screamed at the ending of tonight's finale? I did of course and then had to watch it again just to make sure I wasn't dreaming, I couldn't help but hear the words "_My dearest Clare"_ as Clare kissed him, which then of course turned into this, I know I owe some chapters on Cop A Feel and I really haven't forgotten but wouldn't it be adorable for love letters? May be a little OOC, tried to have Munro/Eli's voice in my head while writing this.

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_My Dearest Clare_

_As the sun begins its daily journey across the sky and I sit here in this lonely airplane seat thousands miles above the earth I can't help but think of you. Where do I begin with the many thoughts circling around my head? The way your lips tasted of cotton candy with that one small token of goodbye you gave before I left, the way you without a doubt thought yourself as my trigger for a disease that has never had a cure, the way you smelled as you took a leap of faith on me or your slight smile as you told me to keep all my thoughts until I got back? I ask you this when have I ever been one to keep things inside? Insert all my past mistakes here if you will and I think history speaks for itself. _

_I will admit it to you now that when I first offered my help that being friends with you was enough, you had simply agreed our feelings for one another were in the past and I simply accepted that I was just one of your ex-boyfriends who had moved into friendship territory. I was alright with that. I will tell you another thing in confidence because I know you are able to keep a secret. My offer for lunch was a simple way to catch up with you and see if you had room in your life for me, I was going to be a positive in your life not the negative you've grown accustomed to me being and was more shocked than hurt when you turned me down and I accepted your answer knowing you had your reason's just like I had mine for asking in the first place. That however is in the past. _

_This next little part would be best if read alone and forgive me for going there but I must. I will never look at Cauliflower soup the same way nor you for that matter after the incident, I stopped you because you were getting dangerously close to a spot that never would I have thought you getting close to again, and I had to stop you before you started something I had little control over. In that instant I knew you had changed, the Clare I knew would mumble an apology and hand me the napkins seeing as how it was in a spot that should only be reserved for girlfriends hands not instantly start mopping up the mess and I slightly wondered how far you and Jake had gotten because you seemed comfortable mopping up the soup. Alas however that is none of my business. I can tell you however I did like the touch as innocent it was, your touch brought the feelings back to the front lines and I knew that being your friend would never be just okay but if that's what you wanted then that was what you were going to get. I also knew I had to get you to touch me again at whatever the cost, and it seems I wasn't the only one feeling that way. _

_Now comes the purpose of this letter and you re-read this section until it sinks in, You Clare Diane Edwards are not and never have been my trigger. Nor will I ever allow you to be. I do not blame Fitz as my trigger either, it was something that had been lying dormant for quite some time and only worsening since the death of Julia, I no longer feel pain about bringing her up, she was a part of my life just like you were but with her I can see it now I was getting in over my head way to quickly, I was fifteen when I met her and from then on we were living together and that may have started it all, but I doubt it, this disease choses to rear it's ugly head whenever it chooses but I am better now, I am continuing to get better and I have you to thank. There are no words with as deep as meaning as the ones I need to thank you with, without you I would still be the jealous overbearing person I was turning into. You saw I needed help that was out of your hands and had to step back. I understand now and I have never hated you for it. Even if the outcome of my play made you think I did._

_I like to think with time we will grow stronger and have a better understanding of each other and able to help the other grow instead of squashing the other down. _

_The "please fasten your seatbelts" sign has dinged on along with the Pilot's voice telling us of our arrival so I bid you farewell my lady. _

_Until next time_

_E. _

A/N: Again I have no idea where this came from. Shall I continue?


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: What an awesome response! This letter I tried to keep the same but halfway through the tone changed but I have a couple of more ideas if you want them, and I must ask should Eli send the letter to Clare or simply write them down as a way to pass the time and let her read them at the end? Tell me what you think!

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_My Dearest Clare,_

_Day two of the winter break and here I sit needing to get my thoughts of you on paper before they overwhelm me. No need to jump to conclusions about me doing nothing worthwhile on this vacation I am writing this as everyone sleeps and I myself am wide awake hoping once this letter is complete I will be able to drift into a dreamless sleep, or if I dream they shall be of you and our wonderful times together. _

_I went running today, this being slightly hard to do in a place that I have not seen in years but I managed, I'm getting to the point, I've often been told I'm a bit wordy by my old English partner(haha) so bear with me as I jumble around. I happen to come across a park very similar to the one back home, where we shared our first "screen" kiss for Dawes class. I smiled at the memory and could smell your perfume in the wind with a light spring in my step I continued on._

_We were good together back when before all the drama I caused and I deeply believe we will be there once again with new found eyes and hearts and be better than ever as we both have learned from our past mistakes and start anew. _

_I trust you with my full disclosure with what I'm about to reveal my offer however still stands to ask any question – personal, professional, emotionally or even about my mental state. I have no secrets that I could ever keep from you, you know me too well- enough to know I've never had the taste buds for sugary sweets cotton candy being a prime example and I took the bite partly to prove you wrong and so you could tease me to erase and forget the weirdness between us, that only seemed to happen when someone else mentioned it. I no longer know how to feel weird around you, it was amusing being able to jump back in to where we were before the teasing, the flirting and all the other things that went along with it._

_I have a schedule that I must keep, the monsters stay at bay most of the time but I do have dark days that __**you**__ have had no part with and I'm afraid my days are almost planned down to the minute; best to keep busy but never fear milady I'll always have time for you ;) look at me putting emoticons in my writing I must be going crazy – a little bi-polar humour if you will. I'd get used to it now; it's all I have left these days. My vice. _

_I respect you Clare more than you will possibly imagine and that is why I have confidence things will be different and I want you to be honest if I get too overpowering, no matter how small the issue I need you to do this for me. I want to the normal boyfriend for you, the one you desire and want to tell all your secrets to. The one you can't wait to see in the morning and last one you talk to at night. The one who is able to make your heart race with a simple kiss._

_I have a mood journal my therapist (another term you should get used to hearing) makes me keep , to write down my feelings of the day to keep track of my episodes of the good, bad and the ugly. I understand if this is too much and maybe I should have waited until at least the fifth letter to throw all the baggage on but better to be honest up front no? _

_I apologize ahead of time I may get mean and I may say things that I really have no right to be saying the filter between my brain and mouth seems to take a hiatus on the ugly days for which I have little control over just know you are my rock Clare just like I hope to be yours again one day. You are the reason I want to get better even if there is no cure or way to keep the bad from happening. You make me want to become a better person. _

_I think I must stop now I fear I may have scared you off with my honest truth._

_Just know I'll be thinking of you even in times I shouldn't. _

_E. _


	3. Chapter 3

_A?N: Slightly got writers block on this story so I tried my best to finish it the best I could without it sounding too rushed. It's short that's why I'm adding the last chapter as well._

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_My Dearest Clare, _

_Day five of Winter break dawned this morning and as Christmas approaches I'm filled with regret that I am unable to see you tomorrow on Christmas day nor give you the small gift I got you. It may seem a little early but getting a best friend and possibly girlfriend back is worth celebrating. Nothing too big or personal like I said nothing special. I saw the gift in the window yesterday as Cece insisted I tag along for her last minute Christmas shopping really all I did was carry her bags and wait patiently as she searched every inch of the store for the perfect gifts. I've been scared off of mall shopping for quite some time I must confess; the noise, the inconsiderate people and lastly the crowds. I have scars to prove it I swear. _

_I never thought I would say this and I will deny it if ever brought up in conversation but I miss my home, my own bed and my privacy. I find myself hiding away in the bathroom, the only room with a lock for some quiet. I've never liked being an only child so much. Here there is always within talking distance and really as vocal as I am I catch myself having nothing to say – a shocker I know tease me about it later if you must._

_These people are not you. At this moment the only person I need and want to talk to is you. The waiting is excruciating and there is still a week and a half left._

_I wanted to take you ice skating on Christmas Eve and buy you the coffee drink you always get at the Dot afterwards to show my appreciation of you putting the past behind us but of course this family getaway managed to get in the way however it is good for me to step away from everything. Recharge the batteries so to speak. _

_Have you caught on to what I'm desperately trying to avoid saying? _

_I miss you Clare, I have for quite some time now I've always missed you if I'm being honest. I missed you the moment you left and it never really went away just it got overtook by my other feelings but it was always there, that deep aching feeling of needing to be near you or just to hear your voice even if it was just a simple hello._

_I miss the way you would blush if I stood too close, said something vulgar or after each time I kissed you that red tint to your beautiful cheeks said everything that needed no words for and I promise not to make you blush from this letter because every time you blush because of me; I want to be there to see it. To touch your flaming cheeks and reassure you that it is in fact a turn on that after all this time I could still cause such an innocent blush. _

_My arms long to hold you in a ways that I have long forgotten and my lips want to bask in the afterglow of our kisses, to steal the softness of your lips for my own, the delicate flowers that I have grown accustomed to, I wish to feel them against mine again whether it be rushed or lazy they just want a chance to reacquainted with you and the many favourite parts of you. _

_I fear this may be the shortest one yet, I do not wish to overwhelm you in anyway like my others surely have although you seem unabated by them in your replies I know they've struck a chord and I must thank you for acting so calm about answers it makes me thing that we really have changed and there is a future for us. Something I had been biding my time for so until your reply this is farewell my lovely._

_E. _


	4. Chapter 4

_A?N: Last chapter I do have some other stories of Eclare on the go but I think I'm going to completley finish them before I post. Tata for now, yes I will try to post a final chapter of Cop A Feel._

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_Dearest Clare,_

_I dreamed of you last night and as the sun filtered into my borrowed room and awakened me, I reached for the pen and paper I keep by me at all times and began writing down in detail what seemed so vividly real but haunted me in my wakening hours because I couldn't tell you this in person and watch your blush rise up on your precious cheeks. _

_It was tame I assure you but you were there none the less correction – We were there together letting the sun wash over our faces as we snacked on the picnic I had brought us in an open field as the birds flew overhead and the wind gently blew the surrounded hay we were in or maybe it was wheat either way we were completely sheltered from the world, just the two of us. You had on a cute floral dress and me in my normal attire and we laughed, we talked and did everything that we used to and I must say you were just as breath-taking in this dream as you are in person and you teased me because I was too busy staring at the strap that had fallen off your pale shoulder to notice you had talked and asked a question. Teasing had turned into tickling and tickling had me pinning you down to the ground and stealing a kiss. _

_The dream progress's and maybe in the near future at your request I shall finish the dream but I do not wish to cause a blush when I'm not there like I said previously. _

_We fly back in three days' time so I will be there for New Year's Eve and I shall be the luckiest guy if you grant me the honour of kissing you at midnight in front of everyone. I will bring your gift and I want to capture the moment your eyes when you open the gift now it is not a ring of any sort in case you were wondering and you can breathe easy I'm in no shape to be married or engaged for that matter. _

_I'm getting a head of myself here and overwhelming even myself when I think that far ahead in the future with you, as someone wise once said "One day at a time" I'm sure there is more to it but that's all I remember and I live day by day, mood by mood sadly but it is something I must do to survive, it gets easier bit by bit but in no way do I have this thing licked. _

_This might as well be the last letter I write to you here the next three days are going to go by in a whirlwind, saying goodbye, packing, making sure we have everything and the family photo's that I know will take at least a day._

_Writing to you has calmed my jitters about seeing your face in only a few days short time and with so many thoughts still running through my brain it seems they stop whenever I'm writing to you and I pray when I see your face you are just as excited as I am to see me and my thoughts will not jumble and I sound like a complete idiot and make myself look silly in your eyes. _

_Another short one I fear but seeing you in so little time has the thoughts anchored and rehearsed in my head and they no longer want to come out on paper not when I can tell you face to face. _

_Until I see your smiling face,_

_E. _


End file.
